UNHAPPY

 Am I maybe the unhappiest man I know? Do I maybe have it good? Is my life better than most? Is the ultimate plan going to fall back into line and go back into schedule? Will the depression ever come back? Or will Sadness just become another coping mechanism? What actually helps? What actually works? Who understands? Do I deserve happiness even? Have I paid enough of the price to be happy? Do I need to do more? Do I learn how to take the most extreme radical decisions now? What does love mean for me? How am I supposed to be loved? How do I love? How do I show love? How do I accept being loved? What should I be doing for those I love? What am i not doing? Do I even deserve love, to be loved? Have I achieved what I should at the stage where I am? Questions that never seem to end, more and more and more questions that seem to scream until you really can't hear anything else, and the cans are open but have no effect, the papers are lit but the feeling doesn't last neither does the blood shot eyes.  I am not taking it well. Zulem will you ever stop speaking in parables?, well, maybe someday when i start understanding the thoughts as they play out in my head. Indeed there is no sleep for the wicked, I just can't seem to trace the root of my wickedness.

Apology

 I owe my an apology for not having made a post in almost 5 years, even though I have the link for this up on my social media pages and have had it visible for years, it's been a ride with push-offs, procrastination and I will do it later, Time flies indeed. My mind has been on the constant and endless rumble that it has been since I can remember, floods and floods of thought, on everything, on everyone, for every situation, nonstop, thoughts have turned into designs and some designs have turned into plans, some have turned into my life, My life as a 25 year old, figuring out and forcing life to wrap around my design and the plans I've set for it, but it is oh so tiring. Reminds me why my whatsapp has had the same status for years 'What to do, what to do?'.

LONELINESS BY A LONER

I asked someone the other day, Are you lonely? And she replied with, George what do you mean by Lonely? It made me think, because for a long time, i have been 'feeling alone' in this big ass world and 'feeling like' no one actually cared on a deep level, I lost touch with the person i used to tell what was really bothering me, and then to compensate for that i became friends with a bunch of other people, who talked shit all day, smoked shit all day and never actually really connected with me on a me level, I've never been one to over expect from people, because all my life, I've been brought up witnessing and confirming the notion that people are shit, I'll probably die with that, but i digress, loneliness as i have come to know is a state of mind, where you are not necessarily alone, but a situation where all the people around you, on a deeper level, do not think like you, where a very ambitious mind, that dreams about opportunities that could be harnessed and turned into resources, but the people around him just want to fuck, get high, party and have fun. When you want to be analytical and open-minded and love people, but everyone around you is sexist, misogynistic and very rudely homophobic, where you cannot express your true feelings and sadly you start to slowly die inside because the sheer stupidity around you is incomprehensible. Loneliness when no-one understands your choices so some days you go all quiet and ponder how it would be like in a different universe and a different time, But that might be just me tho. Your Definition of loneliness might be different from mine but that is exactly the point i'm driving at.




So from the use of Profanity, i got an idea that would in a way make my blog more unique, Personally, i am foul mouthed, and I am even more foul minded, I have crazy conversations in my head, i feel like we all do. But with the help of a little damn, shit and fuck here and there, I can rant here, because basically that is all what this blog is about, The rantings of a young twenty sometime year old that is fed up with society and with what is happening.

WHAT IS LOVE?

Young people watch movies, read shitty articles and see so many pictures, videos, gifs and whatnot, twitter, reddit and social media in general, all they see, me included, is sex sex sex, fucking sex. Im binge watching Californication and this guy is fucking a new girl every single day even mother and child right, but thats not true life, sorry guys forgive me, i'm a little bit not into it tonight, so forgive my rather lack of punctuation, i'm having noodles and ice tea at 2am and i've got a project to finish up. But back to the subject, we live in a world of illusions, where young people just want to rub their genitals against each other's. And no one is helping, our parents don't talk to us about this stuff, our politicians make laws against sex education, Preachers for young people don't even go close to the subject instead describe it with the fucking worst analogies and then threaten the shit out of us with hell and burning in a fire, well sorry, you all helped fuck us up. You made technology, we perfected it, now it's biting us in the ass. We don't know the difference between love, sex and lust anymore, stupid terms like friends with benefits, friendzone all revolve around the need to have or not have sex with someone. Well i don't think anything is changing anytime soon but at least I can talk about it. Well sorry for all the swearing and all the grammatical error. See you guys later.

IF I DISTURB YOU.....

So someone went to tell my brother that they should pray for me, they should get help for me and so many other things, that i have gone too far, that if something is not done now, i will be too far gone to help. Wow, just because you are privileged to be in my circle on social media does not mean you have the right to talk to my family about whatever i put on my social media. I have so many issues with the norm of the society i live in. I ask questions about everything, i have always been fascinated in what normally the society sees as 'weird', I embrace that weirdness and thats what gives me the spice i have now. I have doubts about everything, Life, Gender, Sexuality, Religion and 'funny enough' God as we know him in this present age, If what i post disturbs you, and you cant bear it, delete me, trust me i wouldn't care, if you feel like you care, you are on here already. Talk to me about it, thats why i ask questions and talk about stuff based on my present Understanding. But i read everyday and everything i can, so that my understanding is not closed off and stagnated. I refuse to base all my understanding based on one point of view. talk to me about whatever disturbs you, some other people do that already on twitter, engage me and i will give you reasons why i say what i say. if you convince me otherwise, i study up, learn and change. But stop talking to my siblings about me and telling them stuff that even if i did them, i would never and i have never done around you, cut the crap. Grow up and Get a Life. Thanks.

Touching Article. Please Digest.

Dear lady who loudly tutted at me using the disabled loos, 

I know you saw me running in, with my able bodied legs and all. You saw me opening the door with my two working arms. You saw me without a wheelchair. Without any visible sign of disability. 

You tutted loudly as I rattled the handle with my hands that work perfectly and my able voice call to my kids that I’d be out in just a minute. 

My lack of wheelchair may have suggested to you that I was some lazy cow who didn’t care. Some inconsiderate bitch who was using something I wasn’t entitled too. (I actually carry a card to explain that I’m entitled to and have a disability key if you’d have cared to ask). You may have seen my face blushing as I caught your eye and assumed I was showing guilt at blagging the disabled loos. 

The fact is that I have no bowel. I have a pouch formed from my small intestine which can’t handle volume and so I have to go to the toilet and poo several times a day. My lack of large intestine means that my stool is totally liquid as I have no means of absorbing the fluids in food and so its really hard to hold it when I need to go. 

I sometimes have accidents which means a large toilet that has a sink right by me means I can clean myself up when things go awry. 

I hate having to use the disabled loos as I have to deal with people like you staring, nudging, tutting. And whenever I can, I use the ladies toilets. Just so you know, disabled loos usually smell bad and don’t seem to be cleaned as often or as well as the ladies and so I wouldn’t choose this option unless totally necessary. 

Whilst I’m at it, I’d like to address the cleaner in the supermarket ladies toilets I used this week. As I ran in, knees together, bursting through the door and running to the cubicle, I’m sorry that the noise of my (lack of) bowels made you burst out laughing. 

I can actually take the sniggering as since I had a pouch made from my small intestine because my disease ridden colon was removed during surgery, the noise I make when I defecate is hilariously loud. Seriously, I get it. It’s comedic in it’s volume. 

But before you ran outside the loos and called to your friend “OH MY GOD! You should hear the noise in there!!! I wouldn’t go in if I was you!!!!” Perhaps you could have noted my daughter who was waiting outside with our trolley because her mum had had to leave her stranded to run to the toilet. Perhaps you could have stopped and heard me sobbing with pain because the acid in my stools has no way to be neutralised because I don’t have a large intestine and so opening my bowels actually burns my skin. 

Perhaps you both could have shown a little empathy, a little compassion, a little understanding. 

Poo is funny. Disability is confusing. 

I get that. 

But humanity and care for fellow human beings is a choice. 

To everyone else reading this, the next time you see someone who doesn’t “look disabled” using a toilet. 

Or someone bursting through and crashing into the toilets noisily. 

Take a moment. Remember that not all people who have the right to use disabled toilets are in a wheelchair. Some of us have a jpouch, a lot of us have an Ostomy bag that needs emptying and changing with the use of space, a sink and a bin. And even more of us just don’t want to shit our pants in public. 

Think about the nearly 300,000 people in this country who have inflammatory bowel disease (not to mention the huge number of people with IBS!!!) who need to use the toilet urgently, noisily, smellily… 

It’s an embarrassing enough thing to deal with before having to see disapproving looks or hear your laughs and jeering remarks. 

Be kind yo…

Peace out 

Sam xx. 

This is not mine.

MOVIES OF THE WEEK.

I went for a throwback, and I watched Hobbit Part2, kinda preparing myself for the Part 3 experience, it was really long, but not too bad. I saw the new White Bird In a blizzard, which is a really depressing and sad movie and also totally predictable but uhhhm, ' what's what is worth' right? I also saw The Imitation Game, totally great movie and an awesome watch at that. I saw Into The Woods, but I fell asleep midway, boring much? Then I saw the movie Annie, best movie so this week. Finally Scorpion King 4, bleeeh, poor graphics, terrible acting if I might say. And as for Series, some of my favourites are back, Episode 13 of Scorpion, Episode 11 of Gotham, then 2 new ones surfaced, two episodes of Agent Carter, and the premiere of the long awaited FOX series, Empire. That wraps it for the week. Movies resume in two weeks, I've got two weeks of exams. All the best to myself.